Fear God.

I was reading through my last post directly after I published it. It's about how worldly things influenced my thoughts and feelings on Christianity and how I don't know what I believe anymore. Within two minutes of posting it, I got a text from my mom that said:

"Thought for the day: (scripture found in Psalms) 'May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, oh Lord.'.... It says in the Bible that everything we say/do here on Earth is recorded in the book of records... and so, it is important that we are accountable for our words/thoughts!... xoxoxoxo I LOVE U!!"

I feel urged to finish A Higher Power: Part Two... to explain that I believe in something or someone... That I do understand that the things here on Earth that I see everyday are too intelligent to just happen. It must be driven from some higher power... but it seems that God is already inside my mind. My thoughts are already published, are they not?

I feel threatened.

Jeremiah 5:22  "Should you not fear me?" declares the Lord. "Should you not tremble in my presence?"
Psalms 111:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and they who live by it grow in understanding."

A Higher Power: Part One.

I was raised in the confusion of a tumultuous christian home. Some days were good, i'd read a book and play outside, mom would make dinner. Other days were filled by fits of rage radiating from either parent. There was never a day where I didn't feel safe in my childhood home, but there were most definitely times where I prayed to be somewhere else. I didn't know why God would let my dad ignore us or why he would let him strike my mom. I didn't know why he would let my mom strike us or why she had to work so late. I didn't understand why  no matter how hard I cried, and promised God that I would never ask for anything ever again, nothing changed... until they divorced. According to the Bible though, that's not the hand of God. That was just my parents falling apart... even if it were for the better.
That's when I disconnected from my family's religion. I couldn't believe in a God that I couldn't see, hear or feel and I had no deeper understanding of the intelligence of the world, so I had no reason to find a conclusion. I spent seven years going to church, singing praise and worship, feeling nothing. I listened to my mom read me scriptures that represented nothing to me other than guidelines. I heard countless pastors live and on tape, preach to their fullest potential, begging me to hear them, to hear God... but I never did.

I told my mom a couple weeks ago that I don't know if I believe in God. I told her I've been faking my way through religion just to make her happy. She broke down into tears and said, "Do you understand how much it hurts to know that God is real and my daughter doesn't accept it? Do you know how much it hurts to know my daughter is going to hell?"

Comments like that are what make it hard for me to believe. How can you tell your own daughter she's going to burn in hell? She put her faith over the comfort of my mind... and it's been running rampant ever since.

"I wrote a verse about you."

"It began with a talk. The weather and going of day and what not. This proceeded to beautiful opinions on late night walks. Now I write this song with palms sweaty and hot. As my memory meets this moment my palm clenches to think that I own it. Too bold, too soft, to think I could have blown it, but this moment I will never outgrow it. We met and my hearts destination was surely preset. Every second our eyes met was contest to see who was blessed to fall headfirst.. first. The gut tension could make a man burst. Now only the graze of hips and lips can quench my thirst. Thirsty for that look in her eyes. Thirsty for the curve of her sides. Thirsty for caressing her thighs. All to realize that these highs are temporary. Now I wait in contempt and god damn its scary, being stuck in her python grasp, can she grasp the future tasks or will the moment be lost in the past. Held in my mind til i'm under the grass. I hope to god we make it last for it seems to have came so fast. and even without our friction, this memory of moment is my addiction. Missing her leaves my soul to stir with no ignition.
In addition... my view now blurred. It was all in a moment this love occurred."

It's a beautiful thing to find someone beautiful. Someone that works like you; that works with you. It has been the most beautiful thing to find someone that isn't just someone. 
Someone that is the one.
One person to spend your day with.
One person to spend your night with.
One person to explain your heart to.
One person to share your mind with.
One person that strives for every moment you strive to have with them.
It's a beautiful thing.

Knowing.

What do you know?

Honestly.

Compared to the things that are there to be known, nothing. The world is an open wound, the deeper you dig, the more sensitive the subject becomes. What is being hidden from you? What is being hidden from all of us?

I'm not talking government.. I'm talking intuition, innovation, common sense, internal sense. Senses. 

I sense that I'm on the brink of something; that these deep conversations can only lead to partial answers for so long. I just want to know.

All I want is to know. All it takes is thought.

Blocked. 8/8/2011

Maybe I don't know you like I once did.

Perhaps my name doesn't bring the comfort that it once did...

but it did once.

We did once. 

We did it all wrong once but until now, I was okay with that. 

I didn't forget that you protected me and I still think of you when I don't feel safe.

You protected my name and I took that for granted. I devalued the diamond you tried to preserve for so long and I regret that. When I think about all the bad decisions I've made, all the wrong turns I've taken... I don't think "maybe if I hadn't done that, I would still have a relationship with my dad" or "I would still go to that school".

When I think of the person I've been... I think that maybe if I hadn't ever gone there, you would still be proud of me. You would still be proud to know me.

Finding out that you can't even see me changing, because you think so lowly of me now that you blocked me in every sense, destroys me. I still need you... but it's not a matter of needing anymore. It's about what we want, as people, growing into adults... and you don't want me to exist anymore.

Another one of these phases

I have so many thoughts, too many thoughts.. but I can't figure out how to form or complete sentences with any of them.



Until next.